Every time Valentine's Day rolls around we hear girls talking about how the day doesn't mean anything, they don't care about it, etc. But we know the truth. For guys in relationships, the bane of our existence is a holiday specifically designed for us to show exactly how much we love our ladies. We don't look forward to this day, but we have to play along. There are perks, sure, but there's also the task of finding the right Valentine's gift; something that tells her your buying range is more than the checkout line at the 7-11.
It's estimated that guys will spend nearly $14 billion this Valentine's Day on gifts, dinners, flowers and so forth, clumsily trying to speak the impossibly complex, advanced language of romance.
Our gender doesn't exactly have a reputation for finesse, so we thought you could use a hand. Here's our list of the best and worst gifts you can buy for your better half this Valentine's Day:
Top 10 Worst Valentine's Gifts
10. Home appliances – blenders, vacuums, toasters… You're breaking girl-gift rule number one, buying anything for a woman that indicates inflicted domestication. If you somehow get her naked after a gift like that, you can bet she'll be using teeth.
9. Herpes – The gift that keeps on giving… regardless of whether or not you actually meant to spread that cold sore, it's not gonna win you points. Helllllno. That aint cool.
8. Valentine's-themed clothing – Nobody needs a pink sweater with hearts on it.
7. Gym Membership/Weight-loss Pills/Anything That Says, "You're Fat" – Enough said.
6. Crotchless/edible underwear – Unless you're Larry Flynt or Ice-T, this isn't gonna go over well. If you're going to buy lingerie for your lady, you've got to know what her tastes are. If you need a guide like this to help you, you have no idea, so read on...
5. Roses – Really, man! Could you be less original? Here's a hint that too few guys know: don't buy pre-arranged bouquets. Have an employee help you pick out a few flowers to make your own bouquet. It's not gay. She'll love it. If you're set on roses, be prepared to pawn some shit. All the cheap ones are long gone by now. A good batch of long-stems will probably cost more than the dinner will.
4. Jewelry – Unless you really know what the hell you're doing, steer clear of this mistake. Too many factors involved.
3. Cash – How romantic it must be for a girl to open a card on Valentine's Day, eyes welling with tears in anticipation of your supposedly well-planned outpouring of love and affection, only to find a wrinkled twenty dollar bill inside. Don't be that guy.
2. Teddy bear holding a heart – Are you in sixth grade? Any stuffed animal at all is a sure sign that you're either hopelessly clueless or just don't care enough to put any thought into it. Either way, it spells d-o-u-c-h-e.
1. A breakup – Now that's just bad form. Stupidity is one thing. Downright cruelty is something else entirely. That doesn't seem to leave many options, does it? Actually you've got plenty. Here's our list of alternatives:
Top 10 Best Valentine's Gifts
10. Manicure/Pedicure - Call one of her friends (not the one she knows you're cheating with thinks you have a crush on) and have her help you find the right place, then set up a day for her to have it done. Take all the work out of it for her.
9. Leave town - take her somewhere she's never been. Don't just get in the car and go, plan the thing out ahead of time without telling her. Wherever you decide to go, it's better if you've been there before so you can navigate.
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8. Lingerie – Only if you're sure of at least one of the following: a) your girl's exact measurements b) your girl's tastes in underwear (because not every girl is a Frederick's of Hollywood girl...) c) your girl's a freak and just wants you to tear it off as soon as she puts it on anyway.
7. Chocolate – Obvious, yes.
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6. A mini shopping-spree – There's always something a girl thinks she's missing from her wardrobe. Whatever it is, take her out and buy it for her.
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.. Then... 5. A candle-lit dinner at home – Leave the ramen on the shelf. This site will help you with the recipes and preparation. Light candles, dim lights, cue music and don't put your foot in your mouth. Remember to pair the wine with the meal. If you don't know what that means, pick up the phone now, call your girlfriend, and tell her how stupid you are.
4. Wine - If she likes white, find a New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc or a Riesling. For reds, if she's not too familiar with wines, you can't go wrong with Beaujolais. It's lighter in body and fruity in flavor, so it goes down easy. If she knows her way around a bottle, you might want to try a Chateauneuf Du Pape. Powerful, complex and delicious, it fits perfectly with steak or lamb. Bottle prices range from $10 to $1000.
3. Massage – Get a big bubblebath going for her, set the atmosphere (see 5), and leave the room while she does her girl thing and gets in the tub. Bring back a couple fresh strawberries, but set them aside once you get back to the bathroom. Stay out of the bathtub. If space permits, position yourself behind her. Start with her hands, work slowly and gently up to her neck and shoulders, down her back and up again, then eventually down the top and center of her chest... but don't go gettin' grabby just yet. Get the strawberries and feed them to her slowly, kissing her neck while she's eating. Then see what happens. Chances are she'll lead the way from there whether you like it or not.
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2. A list of 25 reasons why you love her - If you do this, if you mean it and actually put some thought into it, it could just be one of the best gifts you've ever given her... and it wouldn't cost a dime. Half-ass it though, and you'll regret it.
1. BE ORIGINAL - Don't rely on some freakin list to tell you how you should show your girl how you feel about her. Go dancing, take her horseback riding, just do something out of the ordinary, and put a little heart into it. For Christ's sake, she at least deserves that for putting up with you.
by Johnny Firecloud
Thanks for reading my blog review of Valentine gifts Best and worst. I hope this helps out.
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